Even small reasons for divorce are not insignificant

Let's start with an event from this year that gained significant attention last April. Brazilian football star Kaká's ex-wife, Caroline, revealed the reason behind their divorce. She mentioned that Kaká was so perfect as a person that she had to make the decision to part ways. This statement naturally left many people surprised. Some might have even thought for a moment if they were reading it wrong. Indeed, if someone is completely perfect, why would there be a divorce? Caroline made this remark many years after their separation, when both had moved on to new relationships.

It's natural to wonder why a relationship that begins with a promise to stay together eventually ends in divorce. Essentially, marriage is the term that legitimizes the promise of a man and a woman to live together. According to social and religious norms, the beginning of family life also happens through the bond of marriage. This bond is not just between two individuals; rather, it involves two families as well. While a marriage promise is made by two people, many others are involved behind the scenes. Therefore, much of what a post-marriage relationship will be like depends on the family members. It is essential for the married couple to establish emotions, feelings, respect, understanding, responsibility, and trust in each other.

However, even if everything is perfectly balanced, no one can guarantee that the relationship will not have its ups and downs. There was a time when Asians, including Bangladeshis, had a reputation worldwide for maintaining post-marriage relationships for a lifetime. It was as if once a marital relationship was established here, it was assured to have a happy ending; but the current situation tells a different story. According to the Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics, the gross divorce rate (divorces per total population) fluctuated between 0.6 and 1.1 from 2006 to 2021. In 2022, it increased to 1.4. This number has continued to rise over the past two years.

There are some common reasons considered behind divorces. These include incompatibility, infidelity or extramarital affairs, inability or refusal to bear living expenses, family pressure, physical abuse, sexual incapacity or disinterest, drug addiction, and so on. A survey conducted by the Bureau of Statistics in 2022 revealed that the most significant reason behind divorces is extramarital relationships, with nearly 23% of respondents citing this cause. Following this, 22% pointed to the incapability of fulfilling marital duties. However, it is unreasonable to think that there are no other causes. Rather, numerous unwritten reasons also contribute to increasing divorce rates in both villages and cities.

Divorce announcements can come from either side. Although such announcements from women were less frequent in the past, this has changed over time. Various statistics have made it clear that women are now filing for divorce more frequently. The media has often highlighted these statistics. Simple reasons behind the increase in divorce applications from women include higher education, women's empowerment, and being aware of their rights. None of these reasons should be underestimated. An educated, self-reliant woman will not silently endure any injustice against her. An uneducated or less educated woman tends to have a somewhat weaker mentality regarding her position, whereas an educated, self-reliant woman holds the opposite view.

As a result, they are not inclined to tolerate any form of injustice or abuse, whether physical or mental. And the problem arises then. The male ego gets hurt. Not only men but also other female members of a patriarchal family often band together against the victimized woman. Thus, the woman is forced to make a decision. The progress in women's education, equal status of men and women in society, and women's self-reliance are seen as significant threats to the patriarchal mindset. Many people still cannot accept women as equals in this era of globalization. Instead, they think that women should be subordinate in knowledge, mentality, or the workplace.

A very small social example can be drawn here: many relationships break down these days simply because the wife is more qualified or earns more than the husband. Men in respectable positions in society often cannot accept or handle it if their wife surpasses them in rank. This leads to constant arguments over trivial matters, resulting in a cold war. Eventually, the woman is forced to quit her job, or the marriage becomes unhappy. This often ends in divorce. If only men could respect the position and qualifications of women, perhaps the word 'divorce' would never be uttered by any woman. In this case, there needs to be a mentality of seeing each other as companions. There is no room for thinking one is superior to the other.

We can begin this paragraph with a few lines from a poem by the writer Humayun Azad. The lines are:
"We called our mother 'you,' and our father 'Apni (sir).'
Our mother stood before our father like a humble subject,
She could never finish her sentences while speaking,
In front of our father, our mother seemed so insignificant,
That it never occurred to us to address her formally.
Our mother was older than us, yet she was our equal."

The first and foremost role in fostering a supportive attitude in men towards women is played by the family. It is often said that the family is the first social education institution. In a family where the mother is treated with great respect and care, children learn early on that the mother is as important as the father. This is less common in patriarchal societies, where children learn that the mother's opinions and position are less important, and thus she is not worthy of the same respect. In such families, girls grow up feeling insignificant, and boys unconsciously develop the belief that they are like masters and women are not deserving of equal respect.

A boy raised in a family where women are treated with neglect will naturally find it difficult to view women as equals later in life. As a result, he may not feel comfortable with a woman advancing or keeping pace with men. Such a boy eventually grows into a man who marries and expects his female partner to fit the mold he saw in his own family. However, if his partner is educated, modern-minded, and self-respecting, she may struggle to adapt to his mentality. This often leads to divorce.

However, it is not fair to think that only women suffer from divorce. There are many stories where men are also victims. But in a patriarchal society, women often face more hardships. In recent times, social media has also played a significant role in divorces. It may sound surprising, but it is true that many people feel disheartened when they see seemingly perfect couples on social media. They wonder why their partner is not like that. Although this is not rational, many become depressed by comparing their lives to others on Facebook or Instagram, leading to increased feelings of inferiority and magnifying minor dissatisfactions, sometimes resulting in divorce. The truth is, no one is perfect in real life. Everyone tries their best for their partner from their own position.

Self-satisfaction lasts as long as there is no tendency to compare with others. A simple observation can make the solution easier: before taking a photo in a restaurant, we tidy up the area in front of us, but does it remain that tidy while eating? Certainly not! Perfect couples are similar; they present only the perfect parts in front of the camera, leaving the rest private. Regardless of the reasons, it is evident that maintaining a relationship is difficult if the hearts of the couple do not align. Let’s go back to the first paragraph about Kaká and Caroline’s divorce. Despite being seemingly perfect, this star couple had to walk the path of separation. Hence, it is clear that even the smallest reasons can sometimes be significant in leading to a divorce.

Fahmida Taposhi: Journalist