Why does others' lives seem happier? What 'Social Comparison Theory' says

Standing in front of the mirror, we see ourselves as ordinary. Yet the neighbour's new car or a colleague's recent promotion seems extraordinary. This feeling is not unique to any one person. Psychology suggests that we spend about 10 to 12 percent of our daily thoughts comparing ourselves to others. This tendency to compare is a fundamental part of human psychology—not a product of modern life's anxieties, but rather an ancient instinct deeply rooted in human nature.

The scientific foundation for this idea was first established by American psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954. According to him, humans have an innate drive to evaluate their own abilities and opinions. When objective standards are not readily available, people determine their own standing by comparing themselves to others. Simply put, we cannot know in absolute terms how intelligent, attractive or successful we are; these qualities only become meaningful in comparison with others. This theory is called 'Social Comparison Theory'.

This comparison has two directions: upward and downward. When we compare ourselves with someone in a better position, it is called upward comparison; when we take some comfort in seeing someone in a worse position, it is downward comparison. Upward comparison sometimes provides inspiration—creating a "if they can, I can too" feeling—but in most cases, it breeds feelings of inadequacy, envy or frustration. On the other hand, downward comparison may temporarily boost confidence, but in the long run, it can foster a judgemental attitude or complacency.

Interestingly, the outcome of comparison does not always follow a logical path. A classic study found that bronze medallists at the Olympics are often happier than silver medallists. The silver medallist focuses on the regret of missing the gold, which transforms a potential downward comparison into an upward one. Meanwhile, the bronze medallist realises they came back from the brink of not winning any medal at all. In other words, it is not the actual position but the "what could have been" scenarios created in the mind that determine our feelings.

In the current era, social media has intensified this tendency. Platforms like Facebook and Instagram present carefully curated, filtered versions of people's lives, making comparison almost always tilt towards the upward direction. Users begin to believe that others are living happier and superior lives. Seeing a colleague's travel photos, a friend's new job announcement or a neighbour's well-kept household makes us feel low, yet the struggles, failures and moments of exhaustion of those very people never appear on screen. This creates a distorted reflection of reality, where it seems only one's own life is not enough.

However, this comparison tendency is not entirely negative. Some comparisons can inspire and offer new perspectives, but in most cases, they generate feelings of inadequacy, envy or depression. For those whose tendency to compare significantly affects their mind, relationships or work performance, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can be effective in correcting distorted thoughts such as "this means I am a failure".

Ultimately, the truth is that comparison is not a flaw in human psychology but rather an inherent trait. Yet the social environment in which this instinct evolved is vastly different from today's age of information overload. The question, therefore, may not be whether someone is truly better off, but rather: whose life am I comparing mine to, why, and how am I doing it?