How children, adolescents, parents can overcome trauma

The tragic plane crash at Milestone School and College in the capital on August 21 has left us all stunned. Even those of us who witnessed the incident from a distance have endured unbearable pain. The deaths of innocent children have felt like the loss of our own. We lack the words to describe the suffering of those injured children writhing in hospital beds. Everyone is grieving for those who have left us; tears are flowing. Many of us are unable to speak, struck dumb. Some are afraid, unable to sleep, plagued by nightmares.

Children too are suffering greatly from the plane crash at Milestone School. Some are from other schools in Dhaka city, others from across the country. Such reactions in these dire circumstances are natural. We adults also feel the children's pain. We want to tell them: we are with you.

Many children witnessed the horrific event unfold before their eyes at school. Some saw it on Facebook, others on television. Hearing about or seeing such terrifying incidents has wounded and injured our minds. But there is a difference between physical and mental wounds. Physical injuries are visible—we can see blood; we can see burns. These cruel images enter our brains through our eyes. Within the brain is the mind, and in the mind lies emotion—our affection, love, joy, happiness. Alongside these positive emotions are sorrow, pain, suffering, despair, anger, rage, jealousy, envy, hatred. A blow to the mind breaks us in pain. Everything becomes chaotic, like a crashing plane. As a result, we distance ourselves from important daily activities.

What children should do: A promise to oneself
We will stay away from viewing such content on Facebook. The more we see, the more our minds are injured. These invisible, unseen wounds will secretly cause harm. We must remember that we, the adolescents, have very tender minds—extremely tender. When a mark is left on a tender mind, it can have lasting negative effects throughout life. We may distance ourselves from our daily responsibilities, unknowingly. Our ability to adapt to situations may decrease. Sometimes we may sink deeper into sadness or depression. We may lose our way in life or miss the steps toward progress.

We will not watch news about these incidents on television now. We will not read horrifying pictures or news in newspapers. However, we will read positive news and fun articles on children’s pages. We will try to give our minds alternative peace to ease the pain. We will do the things that previously brought us joy. Many of us enjoyed reading books, found joy in reading fun books—we will now devote more time to that.

At home with family, we can play board games like Ludo, Snakes and Ladders or carrom. Playing chess can also help ease current sorrow and mental stress. If we already have these habits, we will nurture them; if not, we will learn these games anew. Many of us enjoy travelling. We will tell our parents and try to go out more. Some of us were interested in singing or drawing—we will rekindle that interest.

Many of us used to listen to music—we will listen again, and more often. Many of us used to recite rhymes—we will do it even more now. For those who have left us, we will pray according to our respective religions. We will offer salah. We will pray for our friends. We will take part in literary and cultural events of children and youth organisations.

If an injured friend wants to talk, whether over the phone or in person, we will stand by them. We will speak with them. We will not avoid them. A sick friend will open up to a healthy friend. They will talk about their pain and suffering—we will listen attentively. But we will not pressure them to speak. This will give them the courage and strength to recover quickly.

Many of us, in addition to reading textbooks, have an interest, enthusiasm, or habit of writing rhymes, poems, stories. We will use that habit. We will write. We will keep writing. If our elders feel it's good, we will send it to Kishor Alo or to the children's pages of various newspapers. Even if it's not published, we won’t break down. By writing regularly and reading different types of stories, poems and rhymes, we will one day become writers—we will keep that belief alive.

Many of us enjoy rooftop gardening. We will now take more responsibility for its care. We will tend the garden. We will plant new trees, water the roots of old ones properly, ensure they get sunlight. We have all been mentally wounded. But we will not withdraw into ourselves. We will overcome the injury. We will accept the difficult situation. Once school starts, we will definitely begin attending again. We will not stay away from school. We will remember: life is about overcoming pain, sorrow, failure and despair. We will also remember: there is no life without pain. To succeed in life, we must courageously overcome suffering.

If any question arises in our minds, we will immediately share it with our parents or someone close. We will not bottle up our mental pain, sorrow, or suffering. If a close friend has passed away, we will take part in religious ceremonies held for them, if possible. Participating in such events strengthens our minds to accept the reality, and awakens the power to overcome grief.

Advice for parents
Your child may become stunned or traumatised, may act differently in a state of shock or bewilderment. They may stare blankly, may stop speaking due to emotional wounds. In such situations, the first thing is—do not panic. Do not become frantic and force them to speak.

If they don’t want to go to school, don’t force them. Give it time. Once their mental wounds begin to heal, they will want to go to school on their own. Let them conquer the problem themselves. Give them time to return to normal life.

But remember, if they don’t want to go to school for an extended period, if they scream during nightmares at night, have seizures, suffer disturbed sleep, or show signs of fear, you must take your child to a nearby mental health specialist. Taking your child to a psychiatrist does not mean they’ve become a mental patient. We must overcome superstitions to solve problems. Delay is not an option. You can also seek help from psychologists.

If the child wants to say something, we must come down to their level of understanding and listen attentively. We must be honest with them. Do not give false assurances. Problems can never be solved with lies.

If they want to meet a friend, you must try to fulfil that wish. However, fulfilling unreasonable demands is not appropriate. Reasonable needs must be determined and all efforts must be made to meet them.

Author: Fiction writer, psychiatrist, Professor of Psychotherapy